Stuck
by Aetheron
Summary: An oddball idea I wrote up while working on Blood and Chaos. This may one day become a full story... who knows?
1. Inside You

She was naked, and smelled like heaven.

That's really the only excuse I can offer up for my current predicament.

I stare down at a seven layered circle of runes cast in silver. I only recognize half of the symbols and those alone span 13 of the various languages that I've picked up over the past... gods, how long has it been now?

Each layer has seven diamonds large and flawless enough that they have to be synthetics.

The silver lines, the diamonds, the symbols; They're all arranged just right, making a pattern that strongly resembles a spiraling whirlpool.

I really should have known better.

But... I mentioned she was naked when she asked me to do this, right?

"Oh, come on, Jack, stop frowning, this is going to be _awesome_."

Clearly I should never have told Amy where father really came from. It gave her... ideas.

A multiverse to explore, she of course homes in on that stupid TV show that hasn't been on air in ages.

It's not even the right name. _Wormhole Extreme._ I roll my eyes.

Still, I can smell how excited she is about this from here.

I sigh.

It's not like I've ever been any good at telling any of them no.

My last thought as Amy's chant crests it's highpoint is that 'Stargate: SG1' was the much better show. Lasted longer too.

My world lurches left and everything goes dark.

I'm itchy.

Shifting realities always makes me itchy.

My eyes open, and head shifts back and forth. I spin in place, my eyes searching my surroundings.

"Crap!" Amy shouts. It's not her voice, but I know it's her anyway. "JACK!? WHERE ARE YOU!?"

...

'So... Amy, remember when you said the new reality would try to find a way to fit us into its rule set?'

"Jack!?"

'I wonder if the universe thought that my nearest analogue was a body stealing parasite...' I move Amy's arm in front of her face and wave at her, before taking over her voice. "Or if it just thinks of me a long... snakelike... thing that practically lives inside of you." I slap her ass with her own hand.

I can feel her try to speak again and let go of the controls for a moment. "Oh... Crap!"

"I have to say... this takes my old ' _MINE!'_ routine to new heights."

"Yeah... can we never tell Faith about this?"


	2. First Contact

"She is Goa'uld." Wow, Tealc really can pack a lot of hostility into simple sentences.

"Oh come on! Seriously?" Amy puts her hands on her hips as the SG1 team shift their P90s up to cover us.

'I did try to warn you.' I whisper in the back of her mind.

'They look nothing like SG1!'

'Actually... they look exactly like the actors that played SG1 in father's world.'

'Oh. Damn it all...'

'Yeah. Also, they seem somewhat concerned by your facial expressions while we're having this chat. You may want to try answering them.'

"Answering them?" That's what you choose to finally slip up on and say out loud? Really, Amy?

I roll Amy's eyes, making them flash as I seize control of her face. "Yeah, the foolish mortal types wanted to know who they were speaking to."

SG1 starts glancing at each other with varying numbers of eyebrows raised. Tealc simply replies, "indeed."

Amy laughs happily as she connects these 'strange' faces with her favorite characters, apparently forgetting that they have guns pointed at us. "They really are SG1! Oh, Goddess, this is awesome! I told you this would be awesome!"

I grab the wheel so to speak. "Oh, for fucks sake, if you're going fangirl out on them could you wait until they're not about to shoot us?"

"Right. Hi, I'm Amy. Amy Madison." She waves slowly at them, apparently finally noticing the fully automatic guns pointed at us.

Daniel looks at Amy curiously. "I take it that you're aware you have a snake living inside you?" I find the fact that they don't seem to be asking if, or even considering the idea that, we might be Tok'Ra to be mildly alarming. Just what season did we land in 1? 2? The Tok'Ra were pretty early weren't they?

"Yuppers!" Amy smiles at them. "I mean... Jack can be kind of annoying, but he grows on you."

Colonel O'Neill looks insulted, even more so when Sam fails to suppress a snort despite her obvious effort to do so. "Hey now!"

I find that it's hard to be properly annoyed by her statement when I literally can't avoid hearing her thoughts and know she's not only mostly joking but also get a highlight reel of what she means. I snicker quietly in her mind and she rolls her eyes.

"Oh! Right, sorry. Not you, Colonel. I mean _my_ Jack." She taps her head. I'm fairly certain I live on her spine not in her head, but whatever. If Tealc doesn't object I won't either. Well... not about that anyway...

"Amy... we've talked about this. You can't just trample on the poor mortals' expectations like that, it makes them nervous. I'm a Goa'uld now, there's a certain amount of megalomania and pomposity required of me. You can't just call me 'Jack.' You have to at minimum call me 'Jack Winters, the God Eater, son of Eris, the true goddess of chaos, out of Drusilla, the Mad Prophet.' If you don't do the full title the mortals might confuse us for something their guns can hurt and start wasting ammo."

"Are you seriously going to start that crap again?"

...

The joys of living in Amy's head, I actually know exactly what she means instead of needing to demand she clarify! Victory!

"Excuse you! I. Ate. A. Goddess! Two now, if you count the Goa'uld that used to live in this body we landed in... but I don't, so..." I shrug Amy's shoulders.

Apparently we've confused most of them enough to start lowering their weapons. With their eyes on us and not their weapons, this is the perfect time to deal with the problem more permanently.

Drifting into the background of Amy's mind, I start reaching for the odd energy field I sensed earlier and start shaping it to my will. For a universe without magic, being a... uhh... mostly ascended being..? is damned close.

...Fuck...

Those Ori priest dudes are going to be such a pain in the ass to deal with if they're all on this level too. Oh, and Anubis can fuck the fuck right off. Shit. This is going to be a pain in the ass.

"Oh. Well excuse me if I don't count Glorificus as much of a goddess!" I'm fairly certain she'd stick her tongue out at me if I weren't inside her. She did last time we had this argument. At least Faith and Harmony believe in me even if my own High Priestess doesn't. Whoops, gotta focus on my 'magic' or this might get messy fast.

...

Success! With my 'Magic' completed, I mentally nudge Amy. 'Did I miss anything important?'

Amy's memories of the last few moments rush through my mind.

"Is anyone else concerned by the snake using the word 'now' to describe its status as a Goa'uld?"

Daniel was apparently ignored because of Teal'c warily pointing his staff at us. "Colonel O'Neill, I would advise great caution in dealing with this one."

"Yes, Tealc, we can see the crazy girl that thinks she ate a goddess too."

And... Now I'm caught back up to present. Wow. That was fun. I wonder if I can- No! Now is _not_ the time to replay our sex-life from Amy's POV, no matter how tempting.

"Colonel O'Neill, you misunderstand. Eris is a minor system lord well known to all for her ability to sow-" What!? Blasphemy!

I grab the wheel and take a step towards Tealc, finger pointed at him. "Excuse me!? There's a system lord impersonating Eris!?"

"-dissent amongst her-" Teal'c starts to finish his statement, but then cuts off with a puzzled expression on his face.

My outburst and sudden movement having startled SG1, they all attempted to raise their weapons and aim them at me.

Which means that they're all noticing my little illusion right now. I'm quite proud of it, transforming all their weapons from P90s and a Jaffa Staff to a few salmon and a serpent. With a mental nudge I kick off the part where they start flopping around like dying fish or an angry rattle snake and smile at them.

'Show off,' Amy huffs in my head.


	3. Memory Lane

**OMAKE 1C – Memory Lane:**

"Oh, for fucks sake, give me that." I telekinetically rip the radio out of Colonel O'Neill's hand and pull it to me, making sure to keep my stolen P90 aimed in SG1's general direction. "Good Morning, General! I'd just like to clarify this is _not_ a hostage negotiation."

The radio crackles for a moment before relaying Hammond's annoyed sounding response. "And what would you prefer to call holding 4 of people against their will?"

"Does the phrase, 'get off my lawn,' mean anything to you?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not holding your people hostage. I don't want them. I'm deporting them back to you and asking you to stay out of my territory as politely as I am capable of."

"I see."

I don't think he does, but I can live with confused compliance. "Excellent! Glad to have you on board, General. Now, as I was saying, if you would kindly power down the gate so they can be sent home, that would be just lovely." Stupid uni-directional travel system. You would think that making a wormhole that goes both ways would be easier, but I guess physics said no?

O'Neill, apparently still annoyed by his loss of radio privileges, chooses now to interrupt. "Now hold on a god damned minute. How exactly is this planet _yours?_ "

...

I shrug. "I peed on it first."

"Hey! I'm still trying to repress that memory." Amy practically shouts as she grabs control of our body.

"Really? I thought you were done with that nonsense. And by the way, it is _still_ not my fault you drank all that coffee before our not so little road trip."

 **-Later-**

" _Now_ can you tell me why we sent them home?" Amy asks while I start spinning the gate back up so that the SGC can't just reconnect.

"Oh, I thought you'd have figured that out by now, I wanted the gate address for Earth."

...

"But... we walked away so we couldn't see them enter it."

"Well it's hardly my fault that they don't know the gates have a redial function." Not yet anyway. Christ, how early did we land?

...

"How do you know how to do that?"

"I found it in this Neikea chick's memories."

"Who?"

"The Goa'uld I'm possessing. Honestly, this genetic memory business is very weird. Kind of explains a lot about their behavior though. Imagine being born remembering a highlight reel of your ancestors' accomplishments."

"Wait, why don't I have any memories of... uh... who am I supposed to be?"

"Not sure. Neikea never learned her name. Probably for the best though, given that I gather she was beautiful in a way that was _fashionable_ a few millennia ago, and that was the last time Neikea thought about her."

"...Fashionable?"

...

Interesting, apparently the inherent understanding of what she means only runs one way. "Goa'uld, or at least this one, think of their hosts like most people think of their clothes. So, Neikea picked a woman who was considered beautiful in the Bronze Age. Now she thinks, or rather thought, of the woman she inhabited like you and Faith think of your combat boots, namely that they," I lift our hands up and give her boobs a firm squeeze, "-go with everything. On the bright side, you have a _fantastic_ rack in this universe."

"Huh... I just assumed these bodies were created by the magic..."

"Yeah... Apparently not. Also, I think you're probably better off not having any of her memories. Being repeatedly resurrected via those sarcophagi seems to have snapped the girl's sanity. Think about how Hope was when we first took her in, and then multiply by a few thousand years. You probably don't want whatever is left in her head."

"...Ouch. Yeah, no thank you. And would you please stop that?"

Again, I take great joy in automatically knowing exactly what she means, even if that means I have to put our hands back down by our sides after getting in one last squeeze.

"Goddess, you're worse than Faith."

I snort. " _ **Excuse**_ _**you**_ _!_ _Nobody_ is worse than Faith. Not since we got Hope past that whole 'must please Mistress' nonsense anyway."

 **-A Few Gate Jumps Later-**

We wander through what looks like an Ancient Egyptian market full of humans belonging to... Apophis, I think. For all I know he may have lost it in a card game last night. Stupid Goa'uld infighting.

Ah well. I figure if we have to be horse thieves we may as well steal from the guy that won't last very long to protest too hard.

"What about him? He looks kind of like you did back home."

...

I sigh as the five year old continues on past us. "We're looking for someone physically similar, not someone with a similar level of maturity."

Amy laughs.

Even though it's the same body and voice laughing, I like the way she makes us laugh better than when I do it.

"Okay, seriously though, how about that guy?"

 **-Later-**

"So..?" Amy says as we stare down at the unconscious guy we lured into what passes for an alleyway.

"Hang on..."

Ummm...

Hmmm...

Crap.

"Something wrong?"

"Yeah. I know how to detach from you and go to a new host but it's like... It feels like if you had sensation in your legs but can't make them move. I think I may be stuck."

"Stuck?"

"Yeah. Looks like we're in this together for the whole week until Harmony and Faith pull us back."

...

"I can live with that. But only if you promise to find us a planet with working plumbing before we need to pee again."

"How does Earth sound? Does Earth work for you?"


	4. Danger Will Robinson Danger

**Omake 1D – DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER**

Amy looks around our new base of operations and whines. "I feel lied to."

Forcing our head to face the panel once more, I finish wiring up the portable generator we stole. "Excuse you! I did no such animal."

"You promised me working plumbing."

I roll our eyes. "I believe I said I'd bring you to a planet with working plumbing. It was never specified that the plumbing would be readily accessible to us, just that it would exist on the planet we went to."

...

A moment of silence, during which I can feel her resentment building. I viciously suppress the grin that would give the game away.

Amy huffs, flooding annoyance though our mental link. "Fine, you didn't lie, but I still can't just pee outside in Antarctica."

"Why the hell would you go outside?" I turn to face the direction I've been steadfastly avoiding. There's a bathroom right there. It's not like the ancients didn't ever have to pee. I doubt you'll be able to flush but that sounds like a problem for later."

...

"There's been a bathroom ten feet away this whole time?"

"Yup"

"I hate you."

I don't even bother rolling our eyes as Amy starts marching our feet towards the bathroom. "You do realize that saying that really doesn't work when I can feel you not meaning it. Besides... would you really want to take off our winter gear to pee _before_ I got the heating system powered on and working?"

 **-Later-**

"Damn."

"What?"

"Apparently the mainframe was housed in that section of the base that collapsed." I suppose I ought to be happy that the Ancients believed in redundancy when it came to planetary defenses at least. I drum our right hand's fingers on the command chair's arm rest while Amy rubs our face with the left.

We're getting surprisingly good at this sharing a body business for barely having been in it for a day. Speaking of which, I can sense Amy's impending, 'so what?' and continue to explain.

"Yes, I know, you get all the same info from the chair that I do. You're actually the one the chair is talking to, I'm basically just listening in like a wiretap. Anyway, I was really hoping there might have been some tech manuals. We apparently arrived too early to borrow a starship from the SGC."

"Is this about that wreckage you keep calling a puddle jumper?" I can sense her confusion. In her defense, the thing was so thoroughly crushed that if I hadn't known I was in a hangar bay operated by Ancients I wouldn't have known what the thing used to be either.

"Yeah... Like I said, we seem to be in a world modeled on father's home universe's Stargate SG1 rather than our Wormhole X-treme. There was a spinoff series from SG1 where they go to Atlantis, which it turns out is actually a city sized starship parked a galaxy over. Would have made an excellent base. Sadly, that Naquada generator we stole doesn't make nearly enough power for an intergalactic gate trip."

And that's ignoring that we'd need three _more_ ZPMs on arrival just to power the buggerfucking thing.

Gods Damn It. I just want my own hyper-drive.

...

That's it.

"Just so we're clear, next year we're vacationing in Star Wars. It's so much easier to steal a starship in that universe."

I sense overwhelming approval from Amy.

 **-Later-**

Repairing the Antarctic Stargate room so it could dial _out_ rather than just act as an anchor for gate calls _in_ proved far more challenging than activating basic life support features.

Working in tandem, Amy and I telekinetically slide the gate back into the now repaired stand designed to keep it upright. Coming out of an angled gate is definitely on my once is enough list.

"I swear, the whole lot of them _must_ have been telekinetic by the end there. It's the only excuse I can think of for the utter lack of robotic assistance is if they didn't need the help to move these blasted things." I checked, multiple times, for any records of such robots being in the base. Trust me. I mean, gods, even with both of us, that was exhausting. "You would think that given their obsession with drone based weaponry that they would- Bah! Fuck it! It's done."

"Only took us three days too." My vision spins as Amy rolls our eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, hooray for psuedoscience-almost-magic."

"So, now what?"

"Oh, fucked if I know. I don't even know what day today is, let alone what SG1 should be doing today."

As if summoned by our discussion, the base begins playing what can only be a alarm noise.

Our left and right hands collide in front of our face as Amy and I both try to face palm.

"Now what?" I have no idea which one of us said that. We both meant it though.


	5. The God Eater

**Omake 1E - The God Eater**

 **-Earth - Antarctica - Ancient Base : Approximately The End of Season 1 Apparently?-**

Amy and I stare at the display showing us a Goa'uld pyramid ship thing, somehow identified as belonging to Apophis, pass by Jupiter on it's way inbound to Earth.

'Well… uh… The good news is that we know what SG1 is doing now. Or will be doing shortly anyway. And as an added bonus, this solves the question of when we are in the series.'

"I don't suppose you remember if they're already onboard when the ship reaches our system do you?"

"I think... nope. No idea. Does that mean we can't just blow it with the dron- ooohhhh… wait…"

I weather the storm of Amy's annoyance at me for keeping control over our mouth so that I can indulge in a little mad cackling.

What?

Maniacal laughter seems appropriate to both the situation and to my new status as a partially ascended Goa'uld.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. In this particular case my cackling is brought to an end due to our body running out of oxygen in its lungs.

Forcibly reigning myself in to take a breath for us, I admit that, "I... _may_... have had... an _idea_."

I'm not sure I know how to react about the fact that, once I'd pushed my plan across the mental bridge between us and returned control of our body to her, she immediately began her own rendition of maniacal laughter.

Wait, yes I do! I rub our hands together in anticipation.

 **-Apophis's Flagship - Gate Room : Somewhere Near Jupiter -**

I walk us through the gate while Amy focuses on using our totally-not-magic to start ripping staff weapons out of the suddenly confused Jaffas' hands.

Dodging strikes me as behavior that really ought to be beneath a proper deity… but since, you know, dying would also be rather ungodlike, I make do. I do try to make a show of swatting a few staff blasts out of the air while I'm at it as it seems far more impressive that way.

…

Even with vague memories of actually having 'done' it floating around in my head I still have no idea how the Goa'uld ever convinced anything they were gods.

Jedi maybe, but gods? Ah well, maybe I'm just jaded; having met the real things. I even got to eat one that one time.

Anyhoo, I'm ruminating instead of doing what I'm supposed to which is hamming it up for fun and profit.

"You would dare attack a god!?" I point at the poor Jaffa I've randomly singled out for example making and telekinetically crush it's head.

Once the small group of warriors in the gate room have been disarmed or head-squished, we're able to begin making our way to… oh. Hmmm… I don't actually know where I'm going...

"YOU!" I begin reeling in what looks to be the lowest ranked, and thus hopefully least prone to suicidal loyalty, of the surviving Jaffa telekinetically. "I dub thee Tour Guide! _You will bring me to Apophis!_ "

 **\- Three Crushed Jaffa Heads And Then** ** _Finally_** **A Fair Amount Of Panicked Babbling Later-**

Shooing Tourguidius the Fourth away, I can feel Amy's exasperation with me.

'Excuse you. You didn't remember that Apophis wasn't actually on this ship either.''

'I'm also not the one insisting we call him so you can gloat.'

'I'm doing no such thing.'

Disbelief floods out of Amy. 'Oh... _really_?'

'Of course not, that would be ridiculous. I'm calling him so that _we_ can gloat. You even get to go first!"

Our lungs deflate as Amy sighs her most put upon sigh. 'You are such a child.'

'Oh come on! This is going to be hilarious. Besides, if he didn't want to listen to me do this then he should never have installed a holo-comm in the sarcophagus room. And yes, I am going to ignore that they don't call it a holo-comm. It is what it is.'

Reaching out and 'dialing' Apophis, I plaster a broad smile onto our face as the little holographic representation of Apophis finally appears before us.

"Klorel- What is the meaning of this!? Where is Klorel!?"

"Wow…" Amy shapes our face into a surprised expression before smirking. "I could have sworn someone already told you he got his ass kicked by the Tau'ri." The world shifts as she glances over at one of the cowering Jaffa. "I mean really, getting beaten up by lesser mortals is just so… weak, isn't it?"

Sadly, the Jaffa doesn't respond. I think having one of his own people mocking him would have been the icing on the cake. Alas, we'll have to do without.

Ah well…

"Who dares speak to me this way!? I will have your head!"

While Amy continues mocking Apophis, I focus on taking over control of our limbs to kick the cover off the sarcophagus and pull out the apparently still dead corpse of… uh… I think it's that kid they met when fighting Ra. I vaguely recall Daniel feeling bizarrely attached to the soon to be ex-corpse. Giving the body a shake for good measure, I set to work wrapping my totally-not-magic around the only slightly less dead Goa'uld inside of it.

"You would dare defile-"

...and _pull!_

There's a wet sort squelchy ripping noise as I rip 'Klorel' out of it's host before dropping the boy back into the sarcophagus.

Holding the feebly struggling snakelike thing up to the holo-camera, our eyes flash as I start to trade jobs with Amy.

As Amy sets the Goa'uld on fire and starts levitating the sarcophagus' lid back on, I tilt our head to the side and smile. "I... am Ka Anor, God Eater!"

And with that I bite the head off of the Goa'uld and cut the connection. 'Oh man, the look of horror on Apophis's face was so fucking perfe-'

' **...unGhahech!** ' All manner of nonsense starts flooding over the from Amy as she suddenly begins struggling for control of our body.

'The fuck is your malfunction, woman!? I'm trying to make a statement here.'

A steady stream of nausea and disgust accompanied by a litany of, 'Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. You bit it! Oh Goddess, get it out of my mouth!' is my only answer from Amy.

'Oh come on it's not like… oh… oops...'

Sadly, toggling off Amy's ability to taste things after the fact does not appear to be enough to calm her down. Sheesh, it can't be any worse than the last time Amy tried to cook without supervision. Not that I'm dumb enough to point that out to her.

'Come on now, we're on a schedule here.' I start heading towards the nearest ring transport. 'We just need to keep it together long enough to get away from the impressionable young mortals,' I move our eyes to glance toward one of the Jaffa. ' _Then_ you can vom- Or I suppose we could just kill them all and-"

The sound of a throat clearing, loudly, off to the side interrupts me.

SG1 and that older Jaffa… Bre'tac..? are watching me with mixed expressions.

Ummm…

Hmmm…

They have more of those damned P90's aimed at us too. Bullets are inconveniently difficult to dodge...

As we near the threshold of an 'awkwardly long' silence, I hold up the remains of Klorel. "Grilled godling anyone?"


End file.
